not-so-random thoughts

this time last year, i was agonising over whether i had spent time enough in delhi. i wondered whether it was time to move on. be a new person.

it is that time of the year again. my second stint in chennai turned out to be amazingly dull, though not entirely unproductive. i seem to have gained some focus in life, finally. i have come to the conclusion that my future lies in actuarial science. so there is no more time to waste worrying any more. it is there, the path, it just needs some trodding upon.

i would like to think i am a happy person, someone who can’t remain unhappy very long. it helps me get out of depression. “jack, you are a happy person,” i tell myself again and again till i snap out of it. it isn’t that tough. it helps to realise that the only person who can send you into the tunnel of gloom is you. i mean, why blame someone else for it? you are depressed because you want to be. if you aren’t your own master, it is a different matter. sorry, can’t be bothered about that.

my next actuarial paper is on may 14. eleven days to go. it is do-or-die. i made it a do-or-die thing. i clear it, it will keep me going. i don’t, my confidence goes into a tailspin (a temporary one) and i end up without a PG Dip. I am not writing 2 papers this semester. an arrear for the first time in my life. i was not going to write any of the semester exams, but my warden threatened to chuck me out of hostel if i didn’t. i do need a place to stay till the 14th. i could scoot after that, but a promise is a promise and i really can’t say it was extracted under duress.

i have booked my trivandrum tickets for the 18th. back on the 27th. and off to delhi soon after. i wonder if this is going to be a annual affair. this ping-pong match between chennai and delhi. nothing is decided though. i really want to think this through. my line of reasoning goes thus: the PG Dip sucks. it was a mistake coming to chennai. but it had its good points. i learned that there were actuarial societies which didn’t have such strict admission requirements. i cleared an actuarial paper. i gained focus. i fell in love. you do need to lose things to realise their value. i miss delhi.

i was never one for objective reasoning. no, i am not apologetic about it. coming back to chennai was an impulsive decision. i am trying to ensure that going back to delhi isn’t. but i also realise that my impulsive decisions don’t always turn out to be bad. or maybe i don’t want to admit my mistakes.

i am publishing a letter i wrote to a very good friend explaining why i thought it was best if stayed back in chennai. it was written before i changed my mind on the whole thing.

Dear B

the more i think about it, the more i feel that it would be better if i stay on in chennai. i have a good actuarial study group here. people i can study with. and in whose company i will feel like studying. but what i am worried about is asking my parents to support me for one more year, and if i don’t get a job by then, a bit more. that was another reason for wanting to get back to delhi. actuarial jobs are quite hard to find in chennai and i am not interested in editing jobs any more, unless it is in a paper. the other types i find too boring. maybe i think a newspaper is not boring because i am expecting a repeat of the ET (i used to work there) experience. and i am not sure anyone would hire me here when i tell them i am not interested in anything long term.
suddenly i get this feeling that i am getting my priorities right, finally. i had figured that i would take it easy, do one actuarial paper every six months. it is possible to lead a normal life when u are preparing for just one paper at a time, like i did all this semester and last semester too. but that way, it would take close to 4 years just to become an associate of any actuarial society. and around 6 to become a fellow (as high as u can go). so thought i might as well put in more effort and write two or more papers every six months. that involves a lot more effort and i dont know how viable it is. people do it but i would like to think those are the people without a life. not that mine is all that great now. now that i have made a choice, i would like to get through this as soon as possible.
two or more papers mean i can neatly put away the calcutta plan (i was planning to volunteer with the missionaries of charity for a month or two). loath to say it, but that seems the best thing to do. i can still do it later, but spending a month in cal would essentially give me only enough time to prepare for one paper in november. and i really dont want to ask my parents to finance my calcutta expedition. they cant understand y i am doing it anyway. they are ready too though. but getting out of their shadow is quite important to me now, like it was when i left college. as early as possible.
lets see how things work out.
i am really sorry to have bothered you with all that coming to delhi excitement and asking for the job bit. i will be applying for some actuarial jobs in gurgaon after may 14th, which is when i have my next actuarial exam. will know the result immediately since it is a computer-based test. but getting a job after clearing just two papers is kind of hard. but if i do, i may land in gurgaon in july after all.
life does seem pretty bleak when i am unemployed.
i do think i have painted a bleak picture. things arent as bad as i have made it sound. and i am definitely not depressed. i have come to realise that i am a happy person who cant remain unhappy for long. and things do tend to turn out good in the end.

yours truly

jack L